Oops I Did It Again

CAUGHT. He held my heart but ignored the rhythm of the beat…

I saw myself in him. In the way he moved, smiled and the way he felt. We mutually allowed the connection. He made me laugh. His eyes twinkled. I wanted his attention; I got it and there was no begging.

I stayed. I played. I allowed him to erase my name. Why would I do such a thing? Again, I make a common mistake; losing myself. I knew what my plans were that night.

“An experience is what happens when things do not go as planned.” – The Last Lecture

An experience it was. Watching him as if I were seeing through the looking glass. He briefly spoke of his family and his childhood. I know that we have similar pasts; similar traumas. I could feel it in the way he moved and the excitement in his voice.

Photo by Gabby Guthrie

Here, I am left to reflect on the happenings. I could have gotten up and danced with him. I could have let go. In fact, he could be the one my inner child grows with… how do I communicate that? How do I tell him it would be a small amount of time before my wounds were healed and I was ready to go?

“Love, thank you for everything. I am feeling better. I am feeling older. I am ready to move on.”

Snap, crackle, pop goes his heart as I walk away from what he learned to love. I taught him what I needed. I gave him what he wanted. I leveled up as he became comfortable in that lifestyle. Now, good bye, so long, far well, until we meet again in the New World.

…I don’t have the courage to do it. One might call this maturity; the ability to walk away. Another would call it clairvoyance; knowing the sum of an equation. What do I call it…? I have yet to decide.

Stay tuned.

xoxox, the last woman standing

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