P ac ing

A poem for the rats lost in the race

Rat race
at race
Chased by thoughts
Slapped in the face

Jaded from knowledge
Chasing themes
That seems they have more meaning
In the grand scheme

Cream cheese and jalapeños
A go to when I’m low-
er than usual
Grace by God
I nod
So God…

“Show me the way”
Keeps them in a haze
Crazed. Amazed.
What did they say?

Hey. Hey. You fucking up babe.
Higher more interesting experiences,
above babe
Come with us, we’ll show you the way

Dang, I am attached to the maze
The ideas
The thoughts
The feels, I crave

Maybe one day…

xoxox, saving Grace

Shovel Judgement to the Grave

It baffles my mind when we make a one-tracked assumption about a person based upon their social media accounts.

Do y’all understand that we are multi-dimensional beings!? Serious question. If you do not know what I mean, please look that shit up…

These social media accounts have turned us into robots. Hi, I am Bri. I am a genius and I like cheese. BUT, I am not going to publicly announce my deepest darkest secrets. You know… the ones that make me who I am. Why would I do that? I am not going to put “I enjoy picking my nose and eating my boogers” in my Instagrm bio. No one would talk to me! If I did, do you think anyone would dig deep enough to understand that is a habit I face when I am checked out of reality?

Nope. Probably not.

Let me give you my personal idea of multi-dimensional-ness. You look at my Instagram and see I have a book published, you see I model, you see that I make videos and write blog posts, you see that I am a fucking goof ball, you see that my posts are “unorganized” and what do you think?

One part of the spectrum thinks I am fucking nuts and have no idea who I am (judgment). Another part is intrigued and find me to be mysterious and unpredictable (curiosity). A third part could care less what I am doing (lacking interest). A fourth can FEEL the pain and love I am shifting through. They can see the child in me that was told to sit down and shut up. They can hear my thoughts and they support my ideas (aware and empathic).

What category do you fall under?

For those of you that choose to judge, have you ever stopped to ask me a meaningful question? Have you ever stopped to consider the root of the belief in your head? Have you ever noticed that you are relying on your programs to format your life?

We all have these stupid profiles that are supposed to project who we are. Guess what, mine tells you the fucking TRUTH. I am crazy. I am energetic. I have many personalities. I feel pure excitement, joy, love, disappointment, and confusion.

Some of y’all are mad that I show you the true me. You want me to conform to the boxes some big headed mother fucker created for us. FUCK THAT.

I create my own world.

Know this: I appreciate all of you that do not understand me. Your questions in my head are what fuel my drive. Thank you. Please continue…

xoxox, more than meets the eye

A Letter Never Sent: To My Father

Hey dad.

I have been feeling really low, feeling like running away. I’ve been getting rid of all my stuff while depressed and sad. To be honest, it would be easier for me to get through this if you would be talking to me.

Since Thanksgiving, you stopped. Before that, you were answering all my messages even when you were busy. Now I hear you have a new girlfriend and my feelings are hurt. You are not giving time to me or us and what we are doing. It feels like everything is going downhill.

You told me I was your best friend and you don’t act like it. We need each other, especially now. All I ask that you would take some time out of your days to talk to me and to be consistent and to be interested in this process of renting a house together. I wish you would spend time getting your license instead of with a girl who can’t be there for you like I can.

This is also my fault, I know it. My thoughts began running and I think we both felt it. We need to be stronger. We need to talk to me these next few weeks otherwise I might drown in the deep end.

Seriously, there is no reason for either of us to feel like shit when we have each other. I hope all of this is well received. The point is for us to come together. You may feel bad after reading this, and that is not my intention.  Realize we are feeling the same way and we can help each other.

xoxox the daughter who cares

They Hear Me

I cried for you in my car.

I rapped about our struggles.

I told the imaginary crowd how I wish I never left you.

But, I left to come right back.

Stronger than before.

I have the solutions to our problems.

If only you’d listen…

& you did.

You heard the roar.

I stopped the car to read a message from you wanting to know where I was.

I am in your heart…

xoxox, Big Sister, Mom & Dad

Caught Me Red Minded

He asked me to help move stuff from his apartment above mine into his new place. Sweet guy he is. Of course I agreed.

In the moving van he laughed and said “I assumed you were asleep because it was quite.”

I wanted to pretend I did not know what he was speaking of. I wanted to act like my thoughts are not as fucking loud as they are.

Who was I kidding? I knew for a damn fact he was not talking about the amount I spoke out loud, because that was none. I kept to myself in that apartment room. I never played music. Occasionally I spoke to my snake, Seshat, but never out loud.

He confirmed one of my fears…strangers can hear my thoughts

xoxox, the habitual thinker

Message via Owl

He was the cutest, sitting in the passenger seat of my car loading a bowl for the bong. I told him, “I am going to live in the forest. Come with me.”

“You can’t survive in the forest.”

“Yes I can, and I will.”

“Ok, then go out there and let me know how you did it.”

“Well, if I go I am not coming back so I will have to send you a message on a bird. What kind of bird shall I send you?”

“Hmmmmm.” – Long pause as he searched his mind for a bird he would remember, “an Owl.”

Goodness, I fell in love. Of course an owl is the perfect messenger. We parted ways and I spent another night at a park loading a bowl for my bong. A little voice told me to get on Google Images and pick the owl to send. Now, hear me out, I truly thought I would have to sit in meditation for hours, transform into an owl and then fly to him…

I came across a picture of a gorgeous white owl and I knew that was the one. It just so happens that his sister was with me during that choice and she agreed.

A week later he and I were together, again loading a bowl for the bong, when I felt the urge to ask, “have you seen an owl yet?”

“Actually, I did.”

“WHAT!? You didn’t tell me. That was it! I sent it. Tell me the story.”

“I got arrested for not giving my ID to a cop at a festival in Cali. When I was let out of custody, a white owl was on a tree branch watching me.”

“That is it! Why are you not excited?”

“I don’t believe it. You will have to send me another one.”

I was excited but frustrated at the same time. How could I send another? I had no idea the first one showed up. My faith stayed and I moved on with my life. Good news, he saw another owl! Bad news, he told me about it through text when I was trying to patch a broken relationship. My ex did not take well to my love for someone else…
“GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED!” after I missed 3 calls.

“You saw an owl!?”

“Yes! It was so cool. There were six of us at the park (smoking) and we decided to pull out a phone to look at a constellation app when a HUGE white owl flew right over us. It had to have been 8 feet long.”

“No shit! Do you believe now?”

“Yes, and it flew over us at 1:11AM.”

My heart, literally my entire heart was filled with joy, faith, and an indescribable love.

When an intention is pure, there is no need for meditation, shape shifting, manipulation, or finesse. We are always given what we ask for when it comes from unconditional love with no expectations.

Maybe you would want to give it a try. This was my first time sending a message from an animal. I began to choose animals with other friends to remind of us each other. It has been a beautiful play ground ever since.

xoxox, animal medicine does heal