Closure

When I left a guy I dated for two years, I was lost and confused. I needed answers. He gave me some, but it was not enough to fill the cracks in my mind where The Wild Things wonder.

As time passed and I let go of the idea of hearing from him what I hoped to understand, I began to meet guys like him. Some had the same name, some with the same tone of voice, others with similar desires and one with similar trauma. Through these men, I learned who he was.

I learned who I was. I saw what attracted me to him. I saw myself and now I have seen how much I have grown.

This is why I no longer fret when an acquaintance makes a comment that I do not understand. I have stopped the loop of over thinking. I allow my mind to hold a place for the answer to arrive at the right time.

I use to mentally drain myself regretting the questions I never asked. (Because of an obsession for Truth) Now I realize I have two options:

Leave my pride behind to ASK
or
Patiently wait for the answer to arrive without exhausting energy wondering what it could be

Lemme tell ya, it was NOT an easy ride. In fact, I was stuck on a one loop roller coaster and the conductor left forgetting I was aboard. I had to figure out how to unfasten the belt and fly.

xoxox, every day I’m learning

Are We Blind?

We have eyes, but do we truly see? Have you noticed the patterns around you? Can you leave a scene and reiterate the details? Do you remember the places in your dreams?

If so, how did you get to that place? If not, do you wish to gain superior sight?

From my perspective, a decent amount of beings are living in a mental state. Mental state – moving through life from thought, thought patterns and ideas.

We hear the movements we make before we move. We analyze our observations. We narrate our lives. The narrator: The voice that recaps what you are doing while you are doing it. The same voice that justifies your actions. I feel that a majority of folks live in the explanation of their observations.

BUT; there is more…

I have found myself living blindly. I even named my plant Sheila. Turns out that name derives from the word blind. Well, at least that is what I found when I first searched the name. Now, I am seeing results that say much more.

Which brings me to the theory that we see what we need to see when we MUST see it. There was a time in my life when I was contemplating my ‘blindness.’ I had an interaction with an elder who spoke to me of seeing energy. He could tell me the colors of people, parks, areas in town, plants and animals. I do not say I believe in the colors he was seeing; I do say I believe the ability to see colored energy. I was able to as a child. I use to watch vibrant blobs float around my room as I laid in bed. I believe I only saw them while I was laying down. Why? Hmmm, maybe because I had nothing else to focus on. I was a child with no responsibility. As I grew, I stopped seeing the colors and slowing began to focus on material thoughts. It started with:

“Does he like me?” and evolved to “Fuck, I have bills to pay but I want to go out and eat.”

The basic ‘human’ instincts began to fill my mind and I lost focus on the brilliant colors that were always with me. Have you ever seen colors floating around or the aura of another being? A profound experience, now that I see what it is like without it.

Was it important that I saw color as a child? Do I have the ability to do that as an adult? Answers that may have no importance, and I continue to ask because I have fun thinking. Thought becomes weird when I begin to persistently see what I think about. Before my plant Sheila was given to me, I was considering the idea what I was blind. I had that thought ever since I met the man who spoke to me of the energy in the park we were enjoying.

I believe I was blind. I named my plant Sheila. I looked up the name and the first link I came across said the name meant blind. The first point I want to make is that of laziness. I was too indolent to read past the first link I had come across. Immediately I took the definition as exactly what I needed in that moment. Maybe it was, or maybe it was myself playing a joke on myself. “Hahaa, let me see if I can get myself to believe I am blind.”

I do believe there is more to see beyond the surface, like reading between the lines. I plan to have children in my future. When I do, I will let them tell me what they see. I will ask them for answers. I do not want to teach my children words; I hope they can teach me. I know this sounds absurd, but I deeply believe this is possible.

Sometimes I am thankful for not seeing what I hear to be around me… I feel it could interrupt my human-ly focus. (this is a topic I am creating a science fiction book on)

xoxox, an unanswered question

Am I Crazy?

I left Vegas to come back; to run back and when I got back…it all started again. What does it take to get my mind straight?

My gut told me not to leave. I was met with confusion and sadness from those in my home town. No one wanted me to go. Some could care less. Other’s wished illness upon my mind.

No one was excited for me to join them in LA; well maybe a few, for their own selfish reasons.

Selfish: how I felt when I was in LA. All I could think of was how I was going to make something of myself.

I do not feel that here; home, Las Vegas. I feel free. I feel in charge of myself. Well…

Truth is, I have a monster. She whispers confusion into my ear.

Maybe going to LA was a curve ball to make me get my shit together. Maybe I missed opportunities there. Maybe I am still learning to create what I truly want. How can I create what I have not decided on yet…?

What would you do in my shoes?

xoxox, need advice

Insecurity

Does anyone feel like me…
Feel lost and estranged like me?
Got on a boat with no destination,
Left in a haste with no hesitation.

Do you look back in meditation?
Does your insecurity scream?
Do they tell you to take medication?
Did your heart lose a beat at the sound of their voices on a screen?

Does anyone over think like me?
Jumped on a train to hop on the next you see…
Do you think, feel and fear like me?
Can you shrink to the size of a penny?

Sometimes it hurts.
Yes, it gets worse.
What I know:

We have the choice mentally to change the capacity at which we think. Let’s take a stand in or own minds. Those of us with childlike frames. Still coated in candy colored paint. We can continue decorating. The haters will continue hating. Only because they lacked the supplies to demonstrate their true feelings. Now is a time for healing. Now is a time for singing. A time to break the shackles of the boxes we created. A time to see through limitations. A time to rise as a whole and bring our consciousness toward a collective goal. It is time to believe in magic. We are here to hear. Let us use our ears to the benefit of our growth. Let us use our eyes for collection of memories and let loose of their judging nature. It is time to FEEL. Feel me. Feel the pain beneath the smile I carry. Feel it when you see me. Connect to me. See me for who I truly am and I will truly see you. As I already do. Remember this, I will always love you…

xoxox, one you will remember

Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

The million dollar question. Duel-ality; in my head. Is it MY head? Could it be that it is nothing at all? Let me be transparent…

To stay would be to continue in the loop (mind set) I am currently in. “You can change any time you want to,” blah blah blah. Yes, I hear you. Yes, I understand. Now hear me: I am honest and have matured enough to know I am meant for much more than I am currently allowing.

I have the solution before explaining the problem.

Hello, metaphor to life. Think about it; the math professor has the answer to the problem before it is presented to you. In fact, all professors have the answers before they present the questions.

“Well Brianna, science is the act of experiments through questions.”

Right. KNOWING that an answer WILL present itself. The science experiment has a question AND a hypothesis.

Could there be an experiment without words? I will go and find out…

 

 

xoxox, wanderlust