P ac ing

A poem for the rats lost in the race

Rat race
at race
Chased by thoughts
Slapped in the face

Jaded from knowledge
Chasing themes
That seems they have more meaning
In the grand scheme

Cream cheese and jalapeños
A go to when I’m low-
er than usual
Grace by God
I nod
So God…

“Show me the way”
Keeps them in a haze
Crazed. Amazed.
What did they say?

Hey. Hey. You fucking up babe.
Higher more interesting experiences,
above babe
Come with us, we’ll show you the way

Dang, I am attached to the maze
The ideas
The thoughts
The feels, I crave

Maybe one day…

xoxox, saving Grace

What Do They See?

I know I am not the “pretty girl”

Internal goof ball wrapped in wires
Their perceptions; my attire

Now my younger sisters have topped me
Weird because that use to be me
And it seems they don’t see me

It might be the new look in my Eye

 

xoxox, blinding them with my shine

Illustration by Nikki Valencia aka SoulBunni

I Don’t Owe You Anything

I told you the day you offered your space;
My place was the couch.
No, no you insisted I slept on the spare bed;
Not to dread, you were emotionally detached too.
What that meant for me was not what it meant for you.
You see, for me, that meant safety.
It meant a place I could be. Just be. Simply.
Boundaries were set, yet, not clear enough.
My head, not sure enough, of myself.
Lo and behold, you stole my dream and painted in black.
Cast a safety net…
Over my head and now I cannot breath;
But I cannot see a better way out of here.
Your voices justify my terrible sense to deny you.
Terrible, they say, when all I want is to walk away.
Without giving you a damn thing;
Because I let down my walls,
Only to be ashamed.

xoxox, the fallen goddess

Illustration by Nikki Valencia aka SoulBunni

Damn.

We all want to be seen for what we cannot see. The way we push for likes and allow hands to rub on our bodies. We are hurting, deep down under the sea. Sea of emotions, repressed, not released. A sea in a jar; a never ending dream.

Know that I see you. I will know that you see me. We can let go of the ideas of physicality. There is much more beyond what two eyes are trained to see.

There is magic within you and me. There is a magic that lives beyond sight, and fear never rises. There is a magic that flows freely. No sea in the jar, for all to see. We will feel. Feel what is beyond sight. Feel what brings us to flight. Always in the right place at the right time; as time will vanish when you move freely.

 

xoxox, rooted in the Unseen

Illustration by Mari @sweatykid

I See You

We were both taught to suck it up
Taught to take their shit
Hear their opinions
Feel their pain

We were both taught to keep our mouths shut
To jump when told
To shut up
To sit up

What is the difference between us?
You have let the silence be engrained into your soul
I refuse the silence
I have a voice to be used
I have an opinion to be shared
I have love far deeper than the scars they left

I feel sorrow for you
Knowing you were once a lighthouse for those lost in their emotions
Knowing you still are, occasionally
You are in heart
You dimmed your light to be obedient
Now you silently scream to those you see lost; but they cannot hear you
If only they could see you…

 

xoxox, where’d you go?

How Do I Tell Him?

How do I tell him he makes me feel what I am normally numb to? The thought of him excites me. I love to have him around.

How do I tell him I see he makes other women feel this same way…? How do I say that I am jealous?

How do I portray who I am and what he wants at the same time? How do I ask if he can stay?

What do I do when I make the same mistakes? I say the silly things that have no meaning and push him away. How do I tell him I am hurting? How do I share my heart without him falling into the dumps of my emotions?

How can I honestly announce that I am still a child pretending to adult? I am a dreamer who has lost sight of the starting line. There is no finish from here. Where I am, it is quite unclear. I know these behaviors no longer serve me, but it is the role I play. To try anything different would leave me too vulnerable.

How do I sit next to him without invading his space? Does he see what I see when we look up at the same time? Does he feel what I feel when I hope he’d be mine?

Do I tell him I am crazy? Do I suggest he run away? Do I show him my optimism that copes me through the day?

We live in different worlds that I hope could merge, because he makes me feel light like I can fly with the birds.

How could he except me when I can’t except me… the darkest parts of me that hurt to share because people stare. They don’t understand why I sing loudly out of tune or why I howl at the moon.

They are human, I cannot blame them and I cannot blame him, for not wanting to match my energy. I can blame myself for not wanting to tell him. I prefer to run away…

xoxox, to the ones that get away

Illustration by @dare_tb_diffrent