Growing Pains

If I were asked what thought hurts the most, it would be “you need to stop everything you are doing and surrender.”          Ouch.

I admire the beings who are incredible light workers. I admire them so much that I am inspired to step in their shoes. Until I hear surrender. The mere thought brings me into a downhill spiral. Crazy, right? I have had people tell me that I am making excuses, I am ignoring my higher self and I am over thinking.

All are true, in some dimension. In my own, my inner child REFUSES to allow me to move on without her being acknowledged. She craves to feel free in creativity. She cannot stand competition and the idea of art for validation.

Surrender. The word sounds so much easier than what it is. I do not feel ready to let go of Ego. One day I will be ready. I can no longer judge myself for being where I am presently at. I know, when the stars align, I will be on a mountain under complete control of Divine Will. One day…

Until then, I will allow my skin to stretch and I will Love the growing pains

xoxox, I can make it if I try

Dear Thoughts…

A stranger at Lightening In A Bottle hugged me and said, “I wish I could help you.”

I did not understand at the time. Help me from what? Help me find the clues? Help me answer my questions? Help me Love?

I believe he wished to help me out of the hell I exist in… the mental illness.

H O L Y S H I T      if only my fingers could type as fast as the thoughts that just went through my head. Scrambling.

What is my name and why THE FUCK can’t I help myself? Why is it a thought will trigger the writing of this post then disappear? Where did it go?

These thoughts… the ones that roam the collective consciousness… they are damn smart. They have come up with a justification to all insecurity. They invented seat belts for the … well fuck I am not going anywhere with that thought.

Really, no where. I refuse to follow them down the Yellow Brick Road; only to lead me to myself behind the curtain.

Want to hear the most irritating thought I have?

“Save it for your book so you can make money.”

FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MONEY

 

xoxox, the one who can’t be a hero

My Current Regret

Not kissing him when he grabbed my neck and pulled me in. I backed away… now I am left wondering what it would have felt like to touch his lips.

I was feeling this regret deeply today, until I had a conversation where the advice I was giving applied directly to my life. What was the advice?

Pretend as if he is with me. Talk to him as if he were here. Instead of ordering a medium coffee, order two smalls and give one to him (that I would drink after I pretend he has left), make a plate of food then put half of it on a second plate for him…

Yes, I am nuts. Take it or leave it.

When I think of him, I think of what I did not do. It hurts. My heart closes. I begin to sink.

This morning I thought it was because I had made a mistake; now I believe differently. I believe I AM with him. He thinks of me. He ‘pretends’ I am by his side. In Universal Law, that would mean that I am there.

There is still a fear whispering in my ear. One that is ashamed with how I acted. One that does not want to take responsibility. One that wants to continue hiding.

What if he does not like what I have to say? What if he does not agree with how I live? Do I love myself enough to be myself fully when he IS NOT EVEN HERE? (in physical form)

He is here and I am there. As we are all everywhere. One day… one day it will sync in.

 

xoxox, the long way to go

Illuminate: to clarify or explain

IlluminatedConsider the opportunities you have had to speak your mind and did not…now consider how many ways that opportunity presented itself until you listened to your gut and SPOKE. What was holding you back?

Fear clenches me to the memories that burnt. All the times I was told I ‘thought’ I knew it all. Every moment I was told to shut up and sit down.

I am above those flashbacks; yet they are not beyond me. Situations reoccur in my life, as if I am replaying a song or watching my favorite episode of Sense8. Why do I relive plots time and time again? What am I learning? Better yet, what needed to be said or felt that I suppressed?

I find my current self experiencing heightened emotions that bring out the little girl within me. Baby Brianna, needing guidance.

I recently met a new guy…. Baby Brianna, out to play! I have not felt this giddiness since I was a youngster. The theme song to this feeling would be Clumsy by Fergie. I have a few paths that could be traveled with this fellow in mind:

1. Continue in my childish ways; saying hello to him at events and acting silly in hopes to gain his attention.

2. Ignore the feels UNLESS he approaches me…

3. Tell him straight the fuck up how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

The third option seems the most “adult” way to go about this. Hm. Now that I have chosen, how do I present this in a way that I could possibly get what I want from the encounter?

Wait…. that is where my intentions steer me in the wrong direction. What if, I let go of Ego and shared these feelings from a pure vulnerable state….?

What if, I break the cycle? No longer suppressing my childish nature, but embracing the younger self. Loving her. Guiding her. While being guided to share Truth with a being who may need to hear every feeling I have to share (with no expectations in mind).

AHHHH, the lesson…. releasing expectations. Therefore, nothing can come as a disappointment.

 

xoxox, the Illuminated