Caught Me Red Minded

He asked me to help move stuff from his apartment above mine into his new place. Sweet guy he is. Of course I agreed.

In the moving van he laughed and said “I assumed you were asleep because it was quite.”

I wanted to pretend I did not know what he was speaking of. I wanted to act like my thoughts are not as fucking loud as they are.

Who was I kidding? I knew for a damn fact he was not talking about the amount I spoke out loud, because that was none. I kept to myself in that apartment room. I never played music. Occasionally I spoke to my snake, Seshat, but never out loud.

He confirmed one of my fears…strangers can hear my thoughts

xoxox, the habitual thinker

Conditional Love: What I Want You To Be

You are my Lover. What does that mean? It means you owe me everything. I am entitled to your attention, affection and ass. Yes I said it; ass. It belongs to me. Ohhhh you don’t want to sleep with me tonight? You’ve pissed me off and misery loves company. I only love you when you give me what I want. You look the way I want you to; hence why I picked you. I want you to play the role I created for you. My movie. I am the writer and the director. You are a character. If you cannot act, I will move on to the next actor.

You are my mother. The creator of my life. You are suppose to nurture me, hug me, love me and support me. Why are you not doing these things? You dig a hole with a shovel of your negativity. You bury me alive with the words you use as grenades. How could I love that? You need to be proud of me. I came out of your vagina. I don’t need to be the same as you. Why would I be? You don’t like your life…don’t bring me down with you. If you can’t support my decisions, I will find other women that will.

You are my father. You are my strength. Why have you shown me weakness? What keeps you from learning from me? Insecurity? No security indeed. You were always a shoulder but never a home. I see your potential but you cannot see mine. I see your potential in the men that I am attracted to. I feel sadness knowing I could find these traits in you without strings attached. Now I am forced to give my body for what I never got from you; attention.

You are my sisters. You are ME. Each of us parts of our parents. My best friends. I expect you to invite me out, to tell me your stories and to share your secrets with me without having to ask for them. You don’t. I don’t either. I want to. I search for outsiders who will understand what it is that I am feeling. I never find them. There are similarities but it is not the same. We are not the same. We were raised together but I was raised differently. I want you to be what I need in a sister and in a friend. You cannot play that role. Where can I find these friends?

You are my extended family. You are stuck in the same loop as the rest of them. I stand out. I move with the sounds of the wind. You hate it. You hate yourself. You hate your life. You hate seeing my happiness come so easily. We could learn from each other. I learn from you… I’ve learned how to lie. How to make you believe I am what you want me to be. I am sick of acting. My love for you is becoming conditional. Treat me the way I deserve, or call me not.

You are a friend. You are there to listen. I will take your advice but don’t tell me what to do. I will nod my head when you are talking while I am gone in my own world. I may laugh at your jokes even when they are not funny. You best not tell me to calm down. I expect you to enjoy my high energy. I need you to allow me to enjoy my moments without interjecting; unless you come at me correct. Can that be exchanged? If not, there are plenty of fishes in the sea.

You are a stranger. You can smile in my direction, but don’t stare too long. You are allowed to ask me simple questions. You cannot invite me to your home because I have not had the chance to stalk your social media and determine my perception of you. You are a stranger until I “know” you.

I am myself. I am pretty when I am told. I am happy when all my conditions are met. I give love after I receive it. I never leave my comfort zone. I can only love myself when I know what I am going to feel.

What do all of these conditions have in common? LIMITations. I have been limited to the ideas someone else created to define these relationships. Time to recollect the ideas to recreate them into what we call Unconditional Love.

xoxox, real eye

Ode To The Confused

Dazzled by the wonders of this world. Engaged in every moment. Vicariously living every life. Somehow, lost in a liver pool of possibilities. The “ohhh, what ever shall I be?” When you spend energy looping what could be done. What are you doing? Nothing? Make a move; two or three. See. See what these ideas have in store for you. Try everything three times, in three different places, with three different mind sets. Good, neutral, bad. Can you do it? Can you feel all sides? Can you give it a try? Think about this, not one damn idea is permanent. You can leave anything you have begun. You steer the ship. You lay the pavement as you walk. If you have thought about doing it three times or more, in three different places, give it a go!!! Take the steps to make it! If you find yourself in limitations of why you cannot be where you would like to. Change course. Do something that fits where your life is now. Believe in magic. Believe there are possibilities beyond your own imagination. You can, and will, be whatever your heart desires. Choose wisely. Once your decision is made, look forward. Always look forward. Give it three times before you decide it is no longer for you. Most importantly, know your thoughts. Know the thoughts that make you feel gloom. Know the thoughts you are afraid of. Know the thoughts that bring joy. Know you control your reaction to the thoughts. Know you are on to something magnificent when a negative thought appears. Know you are being tested. If you want something that is beyond your current reach, you must work for it. You will be challenged. Show discipline in the fields you wish to thrive in. The Spirit Guides love discipline. Try not to be like me… ranting and raving in my mind about all the wonderful careers I could choose. Straining my brain imagining what steps must be taken for an outcome. I find myself looking at Step 23 when I am standing on Step 4. The process is where the fun comes out to play. The process will get you recognized. The process become the stories you tell your children. Take the steps, and know, you can always walk down and start up another staircase. Here is a little secret; occasionally the staircases intertwine…

xoxox, your guide through the haze