Ever become unenchanted with this human experience? I get angry, exhausted and begin to act insane. I want to run. Dear God, I want to escape. As if a new place will magically heal all the wounds I have accumulated.
I am wise enough to understand I cannot run. I was taught in all my nightmares… the anxiety was always a leap behind me. One wrong move and I would be swallowed whole. Of course, I had dreams where I had gotten away. I have flown out of situations. Shape shifted to fit through cracks in windows. What I never did was turn and face the adversary.
I was feeling courageous last summer. I decided it was time to risk it. To try something I never have before…living in my car in… Los Angeles. Thank God I choose that city. Turns out, it is common to live in vehicles there. The nightmares ceased. I was no longer running.
It has been well over a year since the last nightmare. Yet, it has not gotten easier. The pain with facing my Shadow has brought me to my knees begging I be swept off of this earth. When that doesn’t happen, I imagine myself living alone on a mountain. None of these earthy worries in my head.
Is it escape? Is it surrender? Is it insanity? I suppose it depends on how I look at it. Maybe one day, I will feel free within myself. One day I will see the cage’s door was never closed.
xoxox, peacefully mourning