What If I Lose?

Per request from a dear friend:

Losing love is a feeling when love was never there. I hate to say it but the love was never there because if the love is there you cannot lose it, no matter how rough the times.

Why force yourself into a box created by someone else’s idea of love? It becomes difficult when we add money and third dimensional necessities into love. We throw all of these things into this box they created for us and now it’s cramped…

There is no longer room because the space is being taken up by the couch and the TV that we delicately use because of the overwhelming price. The box of love is filled with the car in the garage that may never be paid off and the house that’s forever indebted in our names.

Love has been cramped by consumption and we may never know what love is. Not until we lose it; until we lose everything… to see that love can be found when nothing else can.

xoxox the silver lining

When It Hurts; Conditional Love

I knew I could never be what you hoped for. I hoped you could accept what I was able to give you. I see now, I will be a story in your mind. Another that bit the dust.

I hoped for more. I hoped for understanding. I hoped you would take your expectations off of my shoulders. You couldn’t and I felt it whenever I was near. I could not be myself. You were full of too much love.

What a terrible thing to say, although the truth stands in that sentence; too much love. I am a different species. I reproduce from challenges. You were never one. Forever open and honest, but you were not always there.

You have left me for your ideal love. I pray, this time around it works out for you. I hopes it turn out being more than what you hoped for. I pray you are blessed with growth.

I pray you keep me in your heart… cause now I am feeling your conditional love. I am feeling regret for not trying to change my ways to give you all you needed. I have pondered if I am problematic, a loser in the game of love. I am feeling this way because I can feel I am slowing losing you.

Know you will always have an unconditional place in my heart.

xoxox, the one that got away

Lonely Eyes

He watches me, when it is convenient for his mind. His word play is amateur, but his vibes scream they need a nurturer. I wonder in his darkness. I call his name. I sweetly begin to play his game. I abandoned myself. He calls me what he wants and he calls me when he needs; pleasure seems to be all I can give in these sheets. I am not hurting until his hurting finds me. I roamed upon his glass crystal. I saw all the sights I could see; all the suppressed memories. He seems to be a lot like me; like I was, before transmuting become a favorite pastime. Now I am past mine. Past the humps I piled up. Only to be caught in a maze. For a man who is hazed on the truth of the role I play. To my dismay, I did not help when I played his game. I made it worse. I added to the hurst. A grey area the waves cannot seem to wash away. I let him win this games of his, cause, in the end, I could never win. Winning puts me above. How could I rise above when I find myself below him?

xoxox, the broken-hearted

Lessons of Love

It is amazing how my inner circle vibrates to me wherever I am. I am always at Home.

Let me explain what I mean, as simply as possible. I have been spending a majority of my time with my longest friend, Aaron. He has been my rock during this transitional period. Occasionally he annoys the shit out of me, but I unconditionally love him (with boundaries). I have noticed myself getting irritated at the little perks that make Aaron who he is. Contradiction? Yes…

Let me change that sentence to: I am learning to unconditionally love him (as well as myself and others). In this quest, I ask for guidance and support.

I was blessed with a trip to Tecopa Hot Springs with an amazing mentor in my life. While there, we attracted two wonderful males. As the four of us spent the night together enjoying the Super Blood Moon, I began noticing similarities between one of the guys and Aaron. Little things that I overlooked in Aaron. Phrases he would use, the tone of his voice, his creative talents and his enthusiasm.

Moral of the story is; I was blessed with an opportunity to see Aaron in another’s light. I met a parallel universe of him. Now I can sit back and enjoy the minor details of Aaron that I use to ignore.

xoxox, Learning To Love

Conditional Love: What I Want You To Be

You are my Lover. What does that mean? It means you owe me everything. I am entitled to your attention, affection and ass. Yes I said it; ass. It belongs to me. Ohhhh you don’t want to sleep with me tonight? You’ve pissed me off and misery loves company. I only love you when you give me what I want. You look the way I want you to; hence why I picked you. I want you to play the role I created for you. My movie. I am the writer and the director. You are a character. If you cannot act, I will move on to the next actor.

You are my mother. The creator of my life. You are suppose to nurture me, hug me, love me and support me. Why are you not doing these things? You dig a hole with a shovel of your negativity. You bury me alive with the words you use as grenades. How could I love that? You need to be proud of me. I came out of your vagina. I don’t need to be the same as you. Why would I be? You don’t like your life…don’t bring me down with you. If you can’t support my decisions, I will find other women that will.

You are my father. You are my strength. Why have you shown me weakness? What keeps you from learning from me? Insecurity? No security indeed. You were always a shoulder but never a home. I see your potential but you cannot see mine. I see your potential in the men that I am attracted to. I feel sadness knowing I could find these traits in you without strings attached. Now I am forced to give my body for what I never got from you; attention.

You are my sisters. You are ME. Each of us parts of our parents. My best friends. I expect you to invite me out, to tell me your stories and to share your secrets with me without having to ask for them. You don’t. I don’t either. I want to. I search for outsiders who will understand what it is that I am feeling. I never find them. There are similarities but it is not the same. We are not the same. We were raised together but I was raised differently. I want you to be what I need in a sister and in a friend. You cannot play that role. Where can I find these friends?

You are my extended family. You are stuck in the same loop as the rest of them. I stand out. I move with the sounds of the wind. You hate it. You hate yourself. You hate your life. You hate seeing my happiness come so easily. We could learn from each other. I learn from you… I’ve learned how to lie. How to make you believe I am what you want me to be. I am sick of acting. My love for you is becoming conditional. Treat me the way I deserve, or call me not.

You are a friend. You are there to listen. I will take your advice but don’t tell me what to do. I will nod my head when you are talking while I am gone in my own world. I may laugh at your jokes even when they are not funny. You best not tell me to calm down. I expect you to enjoy my high energy. I need you to allow me to enjoy my moments without interjecting; unless you come at me correct. Can that be exchanged? If not, there are plenty of fishes in the sea.

You are a stranger. You can smile in my direction, but don’t stare too long. You are allowed to ask me simple questions. You cannot invite me to your home because I have not had the chance to stalk your social media and determine my perception of you. You are a stranger until I “know” you.

I am myself. I am pretty when I am told. I am happy when all my conditions are met. I give love after I receive it. I never leave my comfort zone. I can only love myself when I know what I am going to feel.

What do all of these conditions have in common? LIMITations. I have been limited to the ideas someone else created to define these relationships. Time to recollect the ideas to recreate them into what we call Unconditional Love.

xoxox, real eye