Dear God

Please send some mother fucking patience
To deal with these people and all my frustrations
Teach me to know when to say nothing;
And how to play along with their petty games

It’s been a dusty road
I can finally see
Now that the breeze has washed over me
I am meant for greatness
But I cannot teach those that feel nothing

It is not my place
It never was
The devil took the wheel
He wanted to know how far he could drive me
Brought me to the edge of insanity

He took me back to watch my reaction
He wanted to see how deep he hurt me
I showed vulnerability
He guided leaches to suck dry all that was left of me
Crucification

I kneel to you
Asking for a life with momentum
Movement with grace
I am in no hast
I simply want a taste
Of the everlasting water
Until I shall thirst no more
And in your name, I will rain
To quench the calls of the betrayed

 

xoxox, calling to the Light guides

Escapism

Ever become unenchanted with this human experience?  I get angry, exhausted and begin to act insane. I want to run. Dear God, I want to escape. As if a new place will magically heal all the wounds I have accumulated.

I am wise enough to understand I cannot run. I was taught in all my nightmares… the anxiety was always a leap behind me. One wrong move and I would be swallowed whole. Of course, I had dreams where I had gotten away. I have flown out of situations. Shape shifted to fit through cracks in windows. What I never did was turn and face the adversary.

I was feeling courageous last summer. I decided it was time to risk it. To try something I never have before…living in my car in… Los Angeles. Thank God I choose that city. Turns out, it is common to live in vehicles there. The nightmares ceased. I was no longer running.

It has been well over a year since the last nightmare. Yet, it has not gotten easier. The pain with facing my Shadow has brought me to my knees begging I be swept off of this earth. When that doesn’t happen, I imagine myself living alone on a mountain. None of these earthy worries in my head.

Escaping.

Is it escape? Is it surrender? Is it insanity? I suppose it depends on how I look at it. Maybe one day, I will feel free within myself. One day I will see the cage’s door was never closed.

xoxox, peacefully mourning