He asked me to help move stuff from his apartment above mine into his new place. Sweet guy he is. Of course I agreed.
In the moving van he laughed and said “I assumed you were asleep because it was quite.”
I wanted to pretend I did not know what he was speaking of. I wanted to act like my thoughts are not as fucking loud as they are.
Who was I kidding? I knew for a damn fact he was not talking about the amount I spoke out loud, because that was none. I kept to myself in that apartment room. I never played music. Occasionally I spoke to my snake, Seshat, but never out loud.
He confirmed one of my fears…strangers can hear my thoughts
xoxox, the habitual thinker
Thoughts are dangerous. Especially when a person chooses thoughts based upon fear, hate and competition.
I lived with those people. The irresponsible.
I faced their shadows and felt their pain. I gained their weight and took their views as my own. I have regrets. Regret deleting my posts. Regret selling my favorite items.
I compared my work and competed. I fell. Landed in the lava and burnt to a crisp.
My high spirit found a new way and a brighter day. I faced those challenges and I learned. I look back in reflection of my choices. I contemplate how I could have lived differently. I am consumed by the past.
I forget to look forward. To be grateful for what I still have and what is to come. I forget magic is real when I become numb to these thoughts.
I pray and I pray. One of these days, I will look back and see no regrets. I want to see the Gold I paint my life with.
Power is in the presence of Now.
xoxox, hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Illustration by Cielo Moreno-Garcia
Not kissing him when he grabbed my neck and pulled me in. I backed away… now I am left wondering what it would have felt like to touch his lips.
I was feeling this regret deeply today, until I had a conversation where the advice I was giving applied directly to my life. What was the advice?
Pretend as if he is with me. Talk to him as if he were here. Instead of ordering a medium coffee, order two smalls and give one to him (that I would drink after I pretend he has left), make a plate of food then put half of it on a second plate for him…
Yes, I am nuts. Take it or leave it.
When I think of him, I think of what I did not do. It hurts. My heart closes. I begin to sink.
This morning I thought it was because I had made a mistake; now I believe differently. I believe I AM with him. He thinks of me. He ‘pretends’ I am by his side. In Universal Law, that would mean that I am there.
There is still a fear whispering in my ear. One that is ashamed with how I acted. One that does not want to take responsibility. One that wants to continue hiding.
What if he does not like what I have to say? What if he does not agree with how I live? Do I love myself enough to be myself fully when he IS NOT EVEN HERE? (in physical form)
He is here and I am there. As we are all everywhere. One day… one day it will sync in.
xoxox, the long way to go