Caught Me Red Minded

He asked me to help move stuff from his apartment above mine into his new place. Sweet guy he is. Of course I agreed.

In the moving van he laughed and said “I assumed you were asleep because it was quite.”

I wanted to pretend I did not know what he was speaking of. I wanted to act like my thoughts are not as fucking loud as they are.

Who was I kidding? I knew for a damn fact he was not talking about the amount I spoke out loud, because that was none. I kept to myself in that apartment room. I never played music. Occasionally I spoke to my snake, Seshat, but never out loud.

He confirmed one of my fears…strangers can hear my thoughts

xoxox, the habitual thinker

We Have The Power Of Choice

Thoughts are dangerous. Especially when a person chooses thoughts based upon fear, hate and competition.

I lived with those people. The irresponsible.

I faced their shadows and felt their pain. I gained their weight and took their views as my own. I have regrets. Regret deleting my posts. Regret selling my favorite items.

I compared my work and competed. I fell. Landed in the lava and burnt to a crisp.

My high spirit found a new way and a brighter day. I faced those challenges and I learned. I look back in reflection of my choices. I contemplate how I could have lived differently. I am consumed by the past.

I forget to look forward. To be grateful for what I still have and what is to come. I forget magic is real when I become numb to these thoughts.

I pray and I pray. One of these days, I will look back and see no regrets. I want to see the Gold I paint my life with.

Power is in the presence of Now.

xoxox, hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Illustration by Cielo Moreno-Garcia

My Current Regret

Not kissing him when he grabbed my neck and pulled me in. I backed away… now I am left wondering what it would have felt like to touch his lips.

I was feeling this regret deeply today, until I had a conversation where the advice I was giving applied directly to my life. What was the advice?

Pretend as if he is with me. Talk to him as if he were here. Instead of ordering a medium coffee, order two smalls and give one to him (that I would drink after I pretend he has left), make a plate of food then put half of it on a second plate for him…

Yes, I am nuts. Take it or leave it.

When I think of him, I think of what I did not do. It hurts. My heart closes. I begin to sink.

This morning I thought it was because I had made a mistake; now I believe differently. I believe I AM with him. He thinks of me. He ‘pretends’ I am by his side. In Universal Law, that would mean that I am there.

There is still a fear whispering in my ear. One that is ashamed with how I acted. One that does not want to take responsibility. One that wants to continue hiding.

What if he does not like what I have to say? What if he does not agree with how I live? Do I love myself enough to be myself fully when he IS NOT EVEN HERE? (in physical form)

He is here and I am there. As we are all everywhere. One day… one day it will sync in.

 

xoxox, the long way to go