Conditional Love: What I Want You To Be

You are my Lover. What does that mean? It means you owe me everything. I am entitled to your attention, affection and ass. Yes I said it; ass. It belongs to me. Ohhhh you don’t want to sleep with me tonight? You’ve pissed me off and misery loves company. I only love you when you give me what I want. You look the way I want you to; hence why I picked you. I want you to play the role I created for you. My movie. I am the writer and the director. You are a character. If you cannot act, I will move on to the next actor.

You are my mother. The creator of my life. You are suppose to nurture me, hug me, love me and support me. Why are you not doing these things? You dig a hole with a shovel of your negativity. You bury me alive with the words you use as grenades. How could I love that? You need to be proud of me. I came out of your vagina. I don’t need to be the same as you. Why would I be? You don’t like your life…don’t bring me down with you. If you can’t support my decisions, I will find other women that will.

You are my father. You are my strength. Why have you shown me weakness? What keeps you from learning from me? Insecurity? No security indeed. You were always a shoulder but never a home. I see your potential but you cannot see mine. I see your potential in the men that I am attracted to. I feel sadness knowing I could find these traits in you without strings attached. Now I am forced to give my body for what I never got from you; attention.

You are my sisters. You are ME. Each of us parts of our parents. My best friends. I expect you to invite me out, to tell me your stories and to share your secrets with me without having to ask for them. You don’t. I don’t either. I want to. I search for outsiders who will understand what it is that I am feeling. I never find them. There are similarities but it is not the same. We are not the same. We were raised together but I was raised differently. I want you to be what I need in a sister and in a friend. You cannot play that role. Where can I find these friends?

You are my extended family. You are stuck in the same loop as the rest of them. I stand out. I move with the sounds of the wind. You hate it. You hate yourself. You hate your life. You hate seeing my happiness come so easily. We could learn from each other. I learn from you… I’ve learned how to lie. How to make you believe I am what you want me to be. I am sick of acting. My love for you is becoming conditional. Treat me the way I deserve, or call me not.

You are a friend. You are there to listen. I will take your advice but don’t tell me what to do. I will nod my head when you are talking while I am gone in my own world. I may laugh at your jokes even when they are not funny. You best not tell me to calm down. I expect you to enjoy my high energy. I need you to allow me to enjoy my moments without interjecting; unless you come at me correct. Can that be exchanged? If not, there are plenty of fishes in the sea.

You are a stranger. You can smile in my direction, but don’t stare too long. You are allowed to ask me simple questions. You cannot invite me to your home because I have not had the chance to stalk your social media and determine my perception of you. You are a stranger until I “know” you.

I am myself. I am pretty when I am told. I am happy when all my conditions are met. I give love after I receive it. I never leave my comfort zone. I can only love myself when I know what I am going to feel.

What do all of these conditions have in common? LIMITations. I have been limited to the ideas someone else created to define these relationships. Time to recollect the ideas to recreate them into what we call Unconditional Love.

xoxox, real eye

My Current Regret

Not kissing him when he grabbed my neck and pulled me in. I backed away… now I am left wondering what it would have felt like to touch his lips.

I was feeling this regret deeply today, until I had a conversation where the advice I was giving applied directly to my life. What was the advice?

Pretend as if he is with me. Talk to him as if he were here. Instead of ordering a medium coffee, order two smalls and give one to him (that I would drink after I pretend he has left), make a plate of food then put half of it on a second plate for him…

Yes, I am nuts. Take it or leave it.

When I think of him, I think of what I did not do. It hurts. My heart closes. I begin to sink.

This morning I thought it was because I had made a mistake; now I believe differently. I believe I AM with him. He thinks of me. He ‘pretends’ I am by his side. In Universal Law, that would mean that I am there.

There is still a fear whispering in my ear. One that is ashamed with how I acted. One that does not want to take responsibility. One that wants to continue hiding.

What if he does not like what I have to say? What if he does not agree with how I live? Do I love myself enough to be myself fully when he IS NOT EVEN HERE? (in physical form)

He is here and I am there. As we are all everywhere. One day… one day it will sync in.

 

xoxox, the long way to go