Oops I Did It Again

CAUGHT. He held my heart but ignored the rhythm of the beat…

I saw myself in him. In the way he moved, smiled and the way he felt. We mutually allowed the connection. He made me laugh. His eyes twinkled. I wanted his attention; I got it and there was no begging.

I stayed. I played. I allowed him to erase my name. Why would I do such a thing? Again, I make a common mistake; losing myself. I knew what my plans were that night.

“An experience is what happens when things do not go as planned.” – The Last Lecture

An experience it was. Watching him as if I were seeing through the looking glass. He briefly spoke of his family and his childhood. I know that we have similar pasts; similar traumas. I could feel it in the way he moved and the excitement in his voice.

Photo by Gabby Guthrie

Here, I am left to reflect on the happenings. I could have gotten up and danced with him. I could have let go. In fact, he could be the one my inner child grows with… how do I communicate that? How do I tell him it would be a small amount of time before my wounds were healed and I was ready to go?

“Love, thank you for everything. I am feeling better. I am feeling older. I am ready to move on.”

Snap, crackle, pop goes his heart as I walk away from what he learned to love. I taught him what I needed. I gave him what he wanted. I leveled up as he became comfortable in that lifestyle. Now, good bye, so long, far well, until we meet again in the New World.

…I don’t have the courage to do it. One might call this maturity; the ability to walk away. Another would call it clairvoyance; knowing the sum of an equation. What do I call it…? I have yet to decide.

Stay tuned.

xoxox, the last woman standing

Growing Pains

If I were asked what thought hurts the most, it would be “you need to stop everything you are doing and surrender.”          Ouch.

I admire the beings who are incredible light workers. I admire them so much that I am inspired to step in their shoes. Until I hear surrender. The mere thought brings me into a downhill spiral. Crazy, right? I have had people tell me that I am making excuses, I am ignoring my higher self and I am over thinking.

All are true, in some dimension. In my own, my inner child REFUSES to allow me to move on without her being acknowledged. She craves to feel free in creativity. She cannot stand competition and the idea of art for validation.

Surrender. The word sounds so much easier than what it is. I do not feel ready to let go of Ego. One day I will be ready. I can no longer judge myself for being where I am presently at. I know, when the stars align, I will be on a mountain under complete control of Divine Will. One day…

Until then, I will allow my skin to stretch and I will Love the growing pains

xoxox, I can make it if I try

Illuminate: to clarify or explain

IlluminatedConsider the opportunities you have had to speak your mind and did not…now consider how many ways that opportunity presented itself until you listened to your gut and SPOKE. What was holding you back?

Fear clenches me to the memories that burnt. All the times I was told I ‘thought’ I knew it all. Every moment I was told to shut up and sit down.

I am above those flashbacks; yet they are not beyond me. Situations reoccur in my life, as if I am replaying a song or watching my favorite episode of Sense8. Why do I relive plots time and time again? What am I learning? Better yet, what needed to be said or felt that I suppressed?

I find my current self experiencing heightened emotions that bring out the little girl within me. Baby Brianna, needing guidance.

I recently met a new guy…. Baby Brianna, out to play! I have not felt this giddiness since I was a youngster. The theme song to this feeling would be Clumsy by Fergie. I have a few paths that could be traveled with this fellow in mind:

1. Continue in my childish ways; saying hello to him at events and acting silly in hopes to gain his attention.

2. Ignore the feels UNLESS he approaches me…

3. Tell him straight the fuck up how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

The third option seems the most “adult” way to go about this. Hm. Now that I have chosen, how do I present this in a way that I could possibly get what I want from the encounter?

Wait…. that is where my intentions steer me in the wrong direction. What if, I let go of Ego and shared these feelings from a pure vulnerable state….?

What if, I break the cycle? No longer suppressing my childish nature, but embracing the younger self. Loving her. Guiding her. While being guided to share Truth with a being who may need to hear every feeling I have to share (with no expectations in mind).

AHHHH, the lesson…. releasing expectations. Therefore, nothing can come as a disappointment.

 

xoxox, the Illuminated