A Letter Never Sent: To My Father

Hey dad.

I have been feeling really low, feeling like running away. I’ve been getting rid of all my stuff while depressed and sad. To be honest, it would be easier for me to get through this if you would be talking to me.

Since Thanksgiving, you stopped. Before that, you were answering all my messages even when you were busy. Now I hear you have a new girlfriend and my feelings are hurt. You are not giving time to me or us and what we are doing. It feels like everything is going downhill.

You told me I was your best friend and you don’t act like it. We need each other, especially now. All I ask that you would take some time out of your days to talk to me and to be consistent and to be interested in this process of renting a house together. I wish you would spend time getting your license instead of with a girl who can’t be there for you like I can.

This is also my fault, I know it. My thoughts began running and I think we both felt it. We need to be stronger. We need to talk to me these next few weeks otherwise I might drown in the deep end.

Seriously, there is no reason for either of us to feel like shit when we have each other. I hope all of this is well received. The point is for us to come together. You may feel bad after reading this, and that is not my intention.  Realize we are feeling the same way and we can help each other.

xoxox the daughter who cares

Illuminate: to clarify or explain

IlluminatedConsider the opportunities you have had to speak your mind and did not…now consider how many ways that opportunity presented itself until you listened to your gut and SPOKE. What was holding you back?

Fear clenches me to the memories that burnt. All the times I was told I ‘thought’ I knew it all. Every moment I was told to shut up and sit down.

I am above those flashbacks; yet they are not beyond me. Situations reoccur in my life, as if I am replaying a song or watching my favorite episode of Sense8. Why do I relive plots time and time again? What am I learning? Better yet, what needed to be said or felt that I suppressed?

I find my current self experiencing heightened emotions that bring out the little girl within me. Baby Brianna, needing guidance.

I recently met a new guy…. Baby Brianna, out to play! I have not felt this giddiness since I was a youngster. The theme song to this feeling would be Clumsy by Fergie. I have a few paths that could be traveled with this fellow in mind:

1. Continue in my childish ways; saying hello to him at events and acting silly in hopes to gain his attention.

2. Ignore the feels UNLESS he approaches me…

3. Tell him straight the fuck up how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

The third option seems the most “adult” way to go about this. Hm. Now that I have chosen, how do I present this in a way that I could possibly get what I want from the encounter?

Wait…. that is where my intentions steer me in the wrong direction. What if, I let go of Ego and shared these feelings from a pure vulnerable state….?

What if, I break the cycle? No longer suppressing my childish nature, but embracing the younger self. Loving her. Guiding her. While being guided to share Truth with a being who may need to hear every feeling I have to share (with no expectations in mind).

AHHHH, the lesson…. releasing expectations. Therefore, nothing can come as a disappointment.

 

xoxox, the Illuminated