Oops I Did It Again

CAUGHT. He held my heart but ignored the rhythm of the beat…

I saw myself in him. In the way he moved, smiled and the way he felt. We mutually allowed the connection. He made me laugh. His eyes twinkled. I wanted his attention; I got it and there was no begging.

I stayed. I played. I allowed him to erase my name. Why would I do such a thing? Again, I make a common mistake; losing myself. I knew what my plans were that night.

“An experience is what happens when things do not go as planned.” – The Last Lecture

An experience it was. Watching him as if I were seeing through the looking glass. He briefly spoke of his family and his childhood. I know that we have similar pasts; similar traumas. I could feel it in the way he moved and the excitement in his voice.

Photo by Gabby Guthrie

Here, I am left to reflect on the happenings. I could have gotten up and danced with him. I could have let go. In fact, he could be the one my inner child grows with… how do I communicate that? How do I tell him it would be a small amount of time before my wounds were healed and I was ready to go?

“Love, thank you for everything. I am feeling better. I am feeling older. I am ready to move on.”

Snap, crackle, pop goes his heart as I walk away from what he learned to love. I taught him what I needed. I gave him what he wanted. I leveled up as he became comfortable in that lifestyle. Now, good bye, so long, far well, until we meet again in the New World.

…I don’t have the courage to do it. One might call this maturity; the ability to walk away. Another would call it clairvoyance; knowing the sum of an equation. What do I call it…? I have yet to decide.

Stay tuned.

xoxox, the last woman standing

Just Like Me

Hey there cutie, you sure do remind me of myself. The annoying part that I want to strangle. Yet somehow, I feel the calm beneath the breeze. I look in your eyes and I can see the love and affection you need from me. I want to give it to you. I want to aggravate the storm out of you. I want to see your head spin, desperate for thirst quenching. DE JA VU as I write this about you. That is how I confirm the feelings are true. This post here may embarrass you; I believe that is what it is meant to do. You like the silence and I like the screams. We’d make a perfect team. I think of you and look to the right. You think of me and look to the left. Dynamite. I may let you caress my thighs, until I cry. I have grown away from the sounds I make. Now you are here and all I want is to whisper in your ear; how much I hate to love you.

xoxox, a new chapter

Energetic Connections

Ever think about a person then begin to feel and act like them? I do, all the time. Does that make me an empath; a shape shifter? It sure fucking does…

I have been attending an event in Las Vegas called Tuesday Blend. HIGHLY suggest it to any locals. The last few times I attended, I had a guy in mind who I will call Karma. One I knew would be there. One I feel a deep connection with. I felt calm and hazed when I connected to him. I had thoughts I do not typically care for.

Wait, wait… here is a question and readers please feel free to answer; does one feel a deeper connection with another being or does one CHOOSE to feel that?

Back to Tuesday Blend; this month I went with a male friend named Aaron. I typically do not go to events with friends. I am a lone wolf. I like to be by myself and not feel attached to anyone. BUT, this event I had him come with me. (Keep in mind, this is a friend I have had for 14 years). I did not have a thought of Karma. Guess what…

I WAS LIT AF! Why? Because I choose to connect to Aaron on that level and we matched each other’s energies. I could go on and on about this and I don’t want to unless someone specifically asks to hear.

The point of this post; Be Aware Of Who You Connect To. Those connections make or break moments.

xoxox, the analyst

Conditional Love: What I Want You To Be

You are my Lover. What does that mean? It means you owe me everything. I am entitled to your attention, affection and ass. Yes I said it; ass. It belongs to me. Ohhhh you don’t want to sleep with me tonight? You’ve pissed me off and misery loves company. I only love you when you give me what I want. You look the way I want you to; hence why I picked you. I want you to play the role I created for you. My movie. I am the writer and the director. You are a character. If you cannot act, I will move on to the next actor.

You are my mother. The creator of my life. You are suppose to nurture me, hug me, love me and support me. Why are you not doing these things? You dig a hole with a shovel of your negativity. You bury me alive with the words you use as grenades. How could I love that? You need to be proud of me. I came out of your vagina. I don’t need to be the same as you. Why would I be? You don’t like your life…don’t bring me down with you. If you can’t support my decisions, I will find other women that will.

You are my father. You are my strength. Why have you shown me weakness? What keeps you from learning from me? Insecurity? No security indeed. You were always a shoulder but never a home. I see your potential but you cannot see mine. I see your potential in the men that I am attracted to. I feel sadness knowing I could find these traits in you without strings attached. Now I am forced to give my body for what I never got from you; attention.

You are my sisters. You are ME. Each of us parts of our parents. My best friends. I expect you to invite me out, to tell me your stories and to share your secrets with me without having to ask for them. You don’t. I don’t either. I want to. I search for outsiders who will understand what it is that I am feeling. I never find them. There are similarities but it is not the same. We are not the same. We were raised together but I was raised differently. I want you to be what I need in a sister and in a friend. You cannot play that role. Where can I find these friends?

You are my extended family. You are stuck in the same loop as the rest of them. I stand out. I move with the sounds of the wind. You hate it. You hate yourself. You hate your life. You hate seeing my happiness come so easily. We could learn from each other. I learn from you… I’ve learned how to lie. How to make you believe I am what you want me to be. I am sick of acting. My love for you is becoming conditional. Treat me the way I deserve, or call me not.

You are a friend. You are there to listen. I will take your advice but don’t tell me what to do. I will nod my head when you are talking while I am gone in my own world. I may laugh at your jokes even when they are not funny. You best not tell me to calm down. I expect you to enjoy my high energy. I need you to allow me to enjoy my moments without interjecting; unless you come at me correct. Can that be exchanged? If not, there are plenty of fishes in the sea.

You are a stranger. You can smile in my direction, but don’t stare too long. You are allowed to ask me simple questions. You cannot invite me to your home because I have not had the chance to stalk your social media and determine my perception of you. You are a stranger until I “know” you.

I am myself. I am pretty when I am told. I am happy when all my conditions are met. I give love after I receive it. I never leave my comfort zone. I can only love myself when I know what I am going to feel.

What do all of these conditions have in common? LIMITations. I have been limited to the ideas someone else created to define these relationships. Time to recollect the ideas to recreate them into what we call Unconditional Love.

xoxox, real eye

Ode To The Confused

Dazzled by the wonders of this world. Engaged in every moment. Vicariously living every life. Somehow, lost in a liver pool of possibilities. The “ohhh, what ever shall I be?” When you spend energy looping what could be done. What are you doing? Nothing? Make a move; two or three. See. See what these ideas have in store for you. Try everything three times, in three different places, with three different mind sets. Good, neutral, bad. Can you do it? Can you feel all sides? Can you give it a try? Think about this, not one damn idea is permanent. You can leave anything you have begun. You steer the ship. You lay the pavement as you walk. If you have thought about doing it three times or more, in three different places, give it a go!!! Take the steps to make it! If you find yourself in limitations of why you cannot be where you would like to. Change course. Do something that fits where your life is now. Believe in magic. Believe there are possibilities beyond your own imagination. You can, and will, be whatever your heart desires. Choose wisely. Once your decision is made, look forward. Always look forward. Give it three times before you decide it is no longer for you. Most importantly, know your thoughts. Know the thoughts that make you feel gloom. Know the thoughts you are afraid of. Know the thoughts that bring joy. Know you control your reaction to the thoughts. Know you are on to something magnificent when a negative thought appears. Know you are being tested. If you want something that is beyond your current reach, you must work for it. You will be challenged. Show discipline in the fields you wish to thrive in. The Spirit Guides love discipline. Try not to be like me… ranting and raving in my mind about all the wonderful careers I could choose. Straining my brain imagining what steps must be taken for an outcome. I find myself looking at Step 23 when I am standing on Step 4. The process is where the fun comes out to play. The process will get you recognized. The process become the stories you tell your children. Take the steps, and know, you can always walk down and start up another staircase. Here is a little secret; occasionally the staircases intertwine…

xoxox, your guide through the haze

You ARE Right

Explain to me why we use the Ego against ourselves?? Ever stop to think, “hm, Ego has some dank ideas and is an amazing partner.”

You are right, every time, until proven wrong, and even then, were you really wrong? Or could it have been you took a longer road to the goal?

Some of us   JUMP    to the goal before asking the most productive way to get there. You see?

You are right, unless, of course, you are allowing Whispers to feed off your insecurity. Think about it.

That first move you made, the one without thinking, that was it!! Admit it or not. In that moment, you were in the zone.

Inspirational quotes

The Zone– a zone in which one does not use logic to determine ones fate.

So GO ON WITCHO BAD SELF & be right.

xoxox, zoning