Waking Up Lonely

Taken with the help of a ceiling fan – Brianna Florian

Could it have been the yogurt I ate before bed? Was it my dreams? Maybe I astral traveled to someone and their life disappointed me. How about the idea that it was the energy swirling around in the house that I am staying?

Plot twist: it is all of the above. Crazy right? Whatever meaning I come up with is Truth, until proven otherwise.

Once upon time, life was simple. There were no questions to be answered. I lived the “American Dream.” I failed. I cried, deep and hard. I recovered. Now, I am here. In the midst of what One might call a Black Hole…

Anyway, I got out of bed and I choose happy, productive thoughts. Younger Brianna would have dwelled on all these ideas of why I was feeling the way I was. I would have cut each question into a puzzle and hid the pieces around the house.

Not today!! I acknowledged the feeling and moved into a realm of thought in which I knew would motivate me to continue on my path.

xoxox, you are the creator

Illuminate: to clarify or explain

IlluminatedConsider the opportunities you have had to speak your mind and did not…now consider how many ways that opportunity presented itself until you listened to your gut and SPOKE. What was holding you back?

Fear clenches me to the memories that burnt. All the times I was told I ‘thought’ I knew it all. Every moment I was told to shut up and sit down.

I am above those flashbacks; yet they are not beyond me. Situations reoccur in my life, as if I am replaying a song or watching my favorite episode of Sense8. Why do I relive plots time and time again? What am I learning? Better yet, what needed to be said or felt that I suppressed?

I find my current self experiencing heightened emotions that bring out the little girl within me. Baby Brianna, needing guidance.

I recently met a new guy…. Baby Brianna, out to play! I have not felt this giddiness since I was a youngster. The theme song to this feeling would be Clumsy by Fergie. I have a few paths that could be traveled with this fellow in mind:

1. Continue in my childish ways; saying hello to him at events and acting silly in hopes to gain his attention.

2. Ignore the feels UNLESS he approaches me…

3. Tell him straight the fuck up how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

The third option seems the most “adult” way to go about this. Hm. Now that I have chosen, how do I present this in a way that I could possibly get what I want from the encounter?

Wait…. that is where my intentions steer me in the wrong direction. What if, I let go of Ego and shared these feelings from a pure vulnerable state….?

What if, I break the cycle? No longer suppressing my childish nature, but embracing the younger self. Loving her. Guiding her. While being guided to share Truth with a being who may need to hear every feeling I have to share (with no expectations in mind).

AHHHH, the lesson…. releasing expectations. Therefore, nothing can come as a disappointment.

 

xoxox, the Illuminated