How Do I Say, You Are An Energy Vampire?

Do I start off sweet by listening to all your problems?
Can you hear my responses in your head? You know, the ones I am afraid to share out loud.
Am I safe telling you the problems you dwell on are petty?
Probably not… now I am the evil one.

What should I do when you have exhausted my energy?
Should I sleep all day and risk your thought of my laziness?
Could I leave and find a new way of life?
If I do, do I tell you…?

Do I tell you that you have poisoned each energy field that comes in contact with you?
I would hate for the truth to send you down the depression loop.
So, I don’t dare say anything.
Would you listen either way?

You are rubbing off on me and I am beginning to lose my sanity.
I stay because I get to save money and play.
But, is any of it worth becoming molded by you?
Is that what I tell you when I leave?

Could I tell you that it was my fault for falling into your trap?
My inner turmoil sent me through the forest of your emotions.
Could I be honest enough to see I blame others for the darkest parts of me?
Could I shine a light on the procrastination I feel?

I would love to be mad at you,
But I am truly only mad at me…
For taking so damn long to see,
Anything I need is created inside of me.

xoxox, good luck growing up

Modeling: A Calling Lost Behind Balance

Once upon a time in a far off land where MySpace was poppin… a young woman named Brianna loved modeling. Not for views, or likes. She loved it because it filled her heart. Her favorite photo shoot was with her sister Kassidy; a couple extra large jackets, fake diamond chains and snap backs.

Brianna and Kassidy Florian
Wicked

Brianna learned how to use a self timer and life was Golden from then on! Pictures galore! She never cared what anyone thought, because the pictures were from her heart for her mind’s eye.

Instagram came along and the competition began. As her followers grew, she would delete old pictures that did not have “enough” likes. As high school passed and so did her cares for social attention. She did what she pleased. She felt she was pretty.

I am Brianna.

I have gone through a transformation. I have felt the dark side of the moon. In other words, I have accepted the masculine energy within me. Since then, I have been labeled; stamped UNAPPROVED.

I have become what I have been perceived to be; ugly and out of shape.

OK… yes, I am exaggerating your views. BUT, I am sharing the way your views are translated into my life. I participated in a photo shoot where I was half(ish) naked around woman with much smaller body shapes. [I love pizza… I’m not sorry.] I heard the distaste for my body and I reflected it in the photos. It became worse when I released the photos and my body grew from the thoughts now added to the scene.

Modeling, what I once loved, has turned into a judgment of self. Do I look good? Am I angled perfectly? Can you see the fat in my thighs or stomach? Do I look like the rest of the bland models?

I kept going…continued reaching out to photographers. What I noticed:

A photographer who appreciates inner beauty can bring out the beauty hiding within me

&

A photographer stuck in a third dimensional, in the box, judgmental mindset, will take photos of me and never look twice at them.

 

This is for all the women who identify with the thoughts of being less than what the mass has been brain washed into liking.

xoxox, I see your inner beauty