A Letter Never Sent: To My Father

Hey dad.

I have been feeling really low, feeling like running away. I’ve been getting rid of all my stuff while depressed and sad. To be honest, it would be easier for me to get through this if you would be talking to me.

Since Thanksgiving, you stopped. Before that, you were answering all my messages even when you were busy. Now I hear you have a new girlfriend and my feelings are hurt. You are not giving time to me or us and what we are doing. It feels like everything is going downhill.

You told me I was your best friend and you don’t act like it. We need each other, especially now. All I ask that you would take some time out of your days to talk to me and to be consistent and to be interested in this process of renting a house together. I wish you would spend time getting your license instead of with a girl who can’t be there for you like I can.

This is also my fault, I know it. My thoughts began running and I think we both felt it. We need to be stronger. We need to talk to me these next few weeks otherwise I might drown in the deep end.

Seriously, there is no reason for either of us to feel like shit when we have each other. I hope all of this is well received. The point is for us to come together. You may feel bad after reading this, and that is not my intention.  Realize we are feeling the same way and we can help each other.

xoxox the daughter who cares

Holy Trauma

Good morning Bri…here is a dose of WHAT THE FUCK. Now, eat your mistakes and swallow your indecision.

Here is an outline of my imperfections:

I am impulsive and forget to ask important questions. I leave too much up to chance. A friend in Los Angeles called. She asked me if I wanted to live in LA and be the photographer for her company. My initial gut reaction was empty. Meaning, yes I can be her photographer but I have been writing lately and I am excited about it. I don’t want to leave my writing behind. I had plans in my hometown, Las Vegas. I was enjoying the shipment position I had at Skechers; had…

I laid in bed for 24 hours before deciding I would take her up on her offer. I told my roommate. I told my coworkers. I told my friends whom I had ongoing projects with. I told them all before I asked any important questions like: Where is the company located? Where will I be sleeping? Where will I be showering? Will there be food for me? How much will I be paid?

In my defense, the Universe has given me a lot. I am not the type to worry about the basics because they are abundant. But, in this situation, I was caught off guard. In fact, that morning I was thinking how happy I was with my life and where I was taking it. As soon as I was faced with what I believed to be an opportunity, I crumbled. “This is a gift and it could be great.” Uncertainty.

My gut did not want to go. I could have listened and told her no. Instead I forced the idea upon my mind and became lost in time. I told everyone. I planned a “going away” party. I am writing this the day of the party where I have to put on the face that says I am in control of my life; when that is the furthest from the truth.

This morning I woke wanting to run away. Go live in the mountains to become a Light Worker. I tell myself that is of a higher purpose than what I am currently doing. What challenge is in that? I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for any of the issues I am facing…

xoxox, Pray To God My Soul To Keep