Caught Me Red Minded

He asked me to help move stuff from his apartment above mine into his new place. Sweet guy he is. Of course I agreed.

In the moving van he laughed and said “I assumed you were asleep because it was quite.”

I wanted to pretend I did not know what he was speaking of. I wanted to act like my thoughts are not as fucking loud as they are.

Who was I kidding? I knew for a damn fact he was not talking about the amount I spoke out loud, because that was none. I kept to myself in that apartment room. I never played music. Occasionally I spoke to my snake, Seshat, but never out loud.

He confirmed one of my fears…strangers can hear my thoughts

xoxox, the habitual thinker

Freedom; A Poem Brought To Life

Below the video you will find the original poem; no cuts, raw and uncensored. The process of creating this short film was an amazing learning opportunity. If I ever decide to remake Freedom, I would have much less visuals distracting from the essence of the story. Feel free to leave your thoughts regarding the poem and the way it was portrayed in the film!

 

We are lovers. We are new to this. Both of us with thick walls around our hearts. Avoidant: we run from intense feeling. We ran into each other. I pulled for his attention. I used too many words. Desperate thoughts begging to be agreed with. To be Right. He never cared to know Truth. He wanted raw. Raw everything. I did not feel he was ready for my raw self. I could not imagine what his would look like. Both of us well aware I could not stay. I could not dare do to him what I did to my ex. Melancholy; the great and the worst.

There we are, at a bar. Grazing the horizons of each other’s eyes. Intimacy in a pure form. She joins us. Interrupting our silence she smiles at him and asks his name. She kindly turns to me apologetic. States the essence of her being. She has come to summon him. She asks my blessing. I knew this time would come. I knew I would have to let him go. The look in her eyes said she was well aware of our situation. She was ready to pick up where I would be leaving. I saw it all. She could give him everything I cannot. I gave my blessing. She grabbed his hand. They walked to her table. Bag in my hand, I walked slow enough to feel every inch of separation between he and I. I did not look back, couldn’t. I felt his eyes watch me walk away.

Time swept me off of my feet and threw my ass back on the bar stool. I was back in the moment before she arrived. His eyes locked on mine this time around. She returns. Same introduction, again asking for my blessing. He yelped in terror after hearing my yes. How dare we choose his destiny! He decides who he is with and no woman can pick him up as if he is a trophy! I feel his anger jolt through my wrist as he grabs me and storms to the car. Rage in his eyes. Steam blowing out of his ears, he asks how I could do such a thing. Passively I explain the opportunities I saw for the two of them. The race of his heart came to the finish line. His pace slowed as he looked into my Soul and said “I felt you walk away, a feeling I would regret.”

Him and I had only known how to make love, until that night. We scurried into the alley way and he fucked me next to a dumpster. God, the smell alone was an adrenaline rush. Now add the public nudity and the un-pierced connection. We made it. We brought Heaven to Earth. Him and I were the only Souls alive.

 

What I see now that I have completed the film and re-read the poem: I lost the deeper essence of the message. I wanted intimate. I wanted pain. PS, I did not write the screen play. That was taken care of by the director. I was so excited in the moment that I was blinded. My vision was lost and I accepted major compromise. Compromise that I, in a way, regret now. I also learned that acting and directing are not easy to master at the same time. Although, my directing eye was shunned from the filming process. *Inserts shrugging emoji* I win some and I lose some…

 

xoxox, a director building a foundation

 

Director: Nikoloas Saiz

Location: ReBAR

Actors: Zach Newland, Brianna Florian and Genna Durante

How Do I Tell Him?

How do I tell him he makes me feel what I am normally numb to? The thought of him excites me. I love to have him around.

How do I tell him I see he makes other women feel this same way…? How do I say that I am jealous?

How do I portray who I am and what he wants at the same time? How do I ask if he can stay?

What do I do when I make the same mistakes? I say the silly things that have no meaning and push him away. How do I tell him I am hurting? How do I share my heart without him falling into the dumps of my emotions?

How can I honestly announce that I am still a child pretending to adult? I am a dreamer who has lost sight of the starting line. There is no finish from here. Where I am, it is quite unclear. I know these behaviors no longer serve me, but it is the role I play. To try anything different would leave me too vulnerable.

How do I sit next to him without invading his space? Does he see what I see when we look up at the same time? Does he feel what I feel when I hope he’d be mine?

Do I tell him I am crazy? Do I suggest he run away? Do I show him my optimism that copes me through the day?

We live in different worlds that I hope could merge, because he makes me feel light like I can fly with the birds.

How could he except me when I can’t except me… the darkest parts of me that hurt to share because people stare. They don’t understand why I sing loudly out of tune or why I howl at the moon.

They are human, I cannot blame them and I cannot blame him, for not wanting to match my energy. I can blame myself for not wanting to tell him. I prefer to run away…

xoxox, to the ones that get away

Illustration by @dare_tb_diffrent

Find Your Tribe: Soul Family

I have been faced with the idea that I have soul mates that I am undeniably connected to. Guess what, that shit scares the fuck out of me.

For me, this means as soon as I make eye contact with these people, they know it is my annoying voice in their head that never shuts up. Not only am I a chatter box, I can barely pronounce my words, my vocabulary is limited and I am dramatic.

My question is: can our soul connections change, grow or diminish?

Change– when I decide a route is no longer for me, I begin to vibrate on levels of new people. Does that make those people soul connections or simply beings with similar aspirations?

Grow– can my soul family expand as I meet new beings in this lifetime?

Diminish– could connections be cut by the power of will (thought and action)?

As you can see, I am no expert of this subject. If you have ideas, opinions or experiences, PLEASE SHARE!

xoxox, the student

Unconditional Love

I love you.
I love everything about you.
I love the way you smile and the way you laugh.
I love the way you irritate me.
I love watching you walk away, even when it means I may never see you again.
I love you in the moments we spent together and the moments I created in my head.
I love how you stepped on me.
I love how it made me see; you will become a love like me.
I love the blame game and how we scream each other’s names.
I’d love you if you killed me.

That is right; because dying is nothing compared to the love between you and me.

I love how you ignore my requests.
I love how you grow with the rest.
I love when my demons are put to your test.
I love seeing you happy with her.
I love reading your words without you knowing.
I love to see what you have made without me.
I love the way you make me feel when you aren’t inside of me.
I love you from afar and I love you from within.
I love you no matter what state you are in.
I love you.

This is unconditional. This is the love that lasts a while.

 

xoxox, you are a piece of my heart

Lessons of Love

It is amazing how my inner circle vibrates to me wherever I am. I am always at Home.

Let me explain what I mean, as simply as possible. I have been spending a majority of my time with my longest friend, Aaron. He has been my rock during this transitional period. Occasionally he annoys the shit out of me, but I unconditionally love him (with boundaries). I have noticed myself getting irritated at the little perks that make Aaron who he is. Contradiction? Yes…

Let me change that sentence to: I am learning to unconditionally love him (as well as myself and others). In this quest, I ask for guidance and support.

I was blessed with a trip to Tecopa Hot Springs with an amazing mentor in my life. While there, we attracted two wonderful males. As the four of us spent the night together enjoying the Super Blood Moon, I began noticing similarities between one of the guys and Aaron. Little things that I overlooked in Aaron. Phrases he would use, the tone of his voice, his creative talents and his enthusiasm.

Moral of the story is; I was blessed with an opportunity to see Aaron in another’s light. I met a parallel universe of him. Now I can sit back and enjoy the minor details of Aaron that I use to ignore.

xoxox, Learning To Love