A Letter Never Sent: To My Father

Hey dad.

I have been feeling really low, feeling like running away. I’ve been getting rid of all my stuff while depressed and sad. To be honest, it would be easier for me to get through this if you would be talking to me.

Since Thanksgiving, you stopped. Before that, you were answering all my messages even when you were busy. Now I hear you have a new girlfriend and my feelings are hurt. You are not giving time to me or us and what we are doing. It feels like everything is going downhill.

You told me I was your best friend and you don’t act like it. We need each other, especially now. All I ask that you would take some time out of your days to talk to me and to be consistent and to be interested in this process of renting a house together. I wish you would spend time getting your license instead of with a girl who can’t be there for you like I can.

This is also my fault, I know it. My thoughts began running and I think we both felt it. We need to be stronger. We need to talk to me these next few weeks otherwise I might drown in the deep end.

Seriously, there is no reason for either of us to feel like shit when we have each other. I hope all of this is well received. The point is for us to come together. You may feel bad after reading this, and that is not my intention.  Realize we are feeling the same way and we can help each other.

xoxox the daughter who cares

What Do They See?

I know I am not the “pretty girl”

Internal goof ball wrapped in wires
Their perceptions; my attire

Now my younger sisters have topped me
Weird because that use to be me
And it seems they don’t see me

It might be the new look in my Eye

 

xoxox, blinding them with my shine

Illustration by Nikki Valencia aka SoulBunni

Find Your Tribe: Soul Family

I have been faced with the idea that I have soul mates that I am undeniably connected to. Guess what, that shit scares the fuck out of me.

For me, this means as soon as I make eye contact with these people, they know it is my annoying voice in their head that never shuts up. Not only am I a chatter box, I can barely pronounce my words, my vocabulary is limited and I am dramatic.

My question is: can our soul connections change, grow or diminish?

Change– when I decide a route is no longer for me, I begin to vibrate on levels of new people. Does that make those people soul connections or simply beings with similar aspirations?

Grow– can my soul family expand as I meet new beings in this lifetime?

Diminish– could connections be cut by the power of will (thought and action)?

As you can see, I am no expert of this subject. If you have ideas, opinions or experiences, PLEASE SHARE!

xoxox, the student

Unconditional Love

I love you.
I love everything about you.
I love the way you smile and the way you laugh.
I love the way you irritate me.
I love watching you walk away, even when it means I may never see you again.
I love you in the moments we spent together and the moments I created in my head.
I love how you stepped on me.
I love how it made me see; you will become a love like me.
I love the blame game and how we scream each other’s names.
I’d love you if you killed me.

That is right; because dying is nothing compared to the love between you and me.

I love how you ignore my requests.
I love how you grow with the rest.
I love when my demons are put to your test.
I love seeing you happy with her.
I love reading your words without you knowing.
I love to see what you have made without me.
I love the way you make me feel when you aren’t inside of me.
I love you from afar and I love you from within.
I love you no matter what state you are in.
I love you.

This is unconditional. This is the love that lasts a while.

 

xoxox, you are a piece of my heart

Closure

When I left a guy I dated for two years, I was lost and confused. I needed answers. He gave me some, but it was not enough to fill the cracks in my mind where The Wild Things wonder.

As time passed and I let go of the idea of hearing from him what I hoped to understand, I began to meet guys like him. Some had the same name, some with the same tone of voice, others with similar desires and one with similar trauma. Through these men, I learned who he was.

I learned who I was. I saw what attracted me to him. I saw myself and now I have seen how much I have grown.

This is why I no longer fret when an acquaintance makes a comment that I do not understand. I have stopped the loop of over thinking. I allow my mind to hold a place for the answer to arrive at the right time.

I use to mentally drain myself regretting the questions I never asked. (Because of an obsession for Truth) Now I realize I have two options:

Leave my pride behind to ASK
or
Patiently wait for the answer to arrive without exhausting energy wondering what it could be

Lemme tell ya, it was NOT an easy ride. In fact, I was stuck on a one loop roller coaster and the conductor left forgetting I was aboard. I had to figure out how to unfasten the belt and fly.

xoxox, every day I’m learning

When It Hurts; Conditional Love

I knew I could never be what you hoped for. I hoped you could accept what I was able to give you. I see now, I will be a story in your mind. Another that bit the dust.

I hoped for more. I hoped for understanding. I hoped you would take your expectations off of my shoulders. You couldn’t and I felt it whenever I was near. I could not be myself. You were full of too much love.

What a terrible thing to say, although the truth stands in that sentence; too much love. I am a different species. I reproduce from challenges. You were never one. Forever open and honest, but you were not always there.

You have left me for your ideal love. I pray, this time around it works out for you. I hopes it turn out being more than what you hoped for. I pray you are blessed with growth.

I pray you keep me in your heart… cause now I am feeling your conditional love. I am feeling regret for not trying to change my ways to give you all you needed. I have pondered if I am problematic, a loser in the game of love. I am feeling this way because I can feel I am slowing losing you.

Know you will always have an unconditional place in my heart.

xoxox, the one that got away