Escapism

Ever become unenchanted with this human experience?  I get angry, exhausted and begin to act insane. I want to run. Dear God, I want to escape. As if a new place will magically heal all the wounds I have accumulated.

I am wise enough to understand I cannot run. I was taught in all my nightmares… the anxiety was always a leap behind me. One wrong move and I would be swallowed whole. Of course, I had dreams where I had gotten away. I have flown out of situations. Shape shifted to fit through cracks in windows. What I never did was turn and face the adversary.

I was feeling courageous last summer. I decided it was time to risk it. To try something I never have before…living in my car in… Los Angeles. Thank God I choose that city. Turns out, it is common to live in vehicles there. The nightmares ceased. I was no longer running.

It has been well over a year since the last nightmare. Yet, it has not gotten easier. The pain with facing my Shadow has brought me to my knees begging I be swept off of this earth. When that doesn’t happen, I imagine myself living alone on a mountain. None of these earthy worries in my head.

Escaping.

Is it escape? Is it surrender? Is it insanity? I suppose it depends on how I look at it. Maybe one day, I will feel free within myself. One day I will see the cage’s door was never closed.

xoxox, peacefully mourning

Growing Pains

If I were asked what thought hurts the most, it would be “you need to stop everything you are doing and surrender.”          Ouch.

I admire the beings who are incredible light workers. I admire them so much that I am inspired to step in their shoes. Until I hear surrender. The mere thought brings me into a downhill spiral. Crazy, right? I have had people tell me that I am making excuses, I am ignoring my higher self and I am over thinking.

All are true, in some dimension. In my own, my inner child REFUSES to allow me to move on without her being acknowledged. She craves to feel free in creativity. She cannot stand competition and the idea of art for validation.

Surrender. The word sounds so much easier than what it is. I do not feel ready to let go of Ego. One day I will be ready. I can no longer judge myself for being where I am presently at. I know, when the stars align, I will be on a mountain under complete control of Divine Will. One day…

Until then, I will allow my skin to stretch and I will Love the growing pains

xoxox, I can make it if I try