They Hear Me

I cried for you in my car.

I rapped about our struggles.

I told the imaginary crowd how I wish I never left you.

But, I left to come right back.

Stronger than before.

I have the solutions to our problems.

If only you’d listen…

& you did.

You heard the roar.

I stopped the car to read a message from you wanting to know where I was.

I am in your heart…

xoxox, Big Sister, Mom & Dad

Caught Me Red Minded

He asked me to help move stuff from his apartment above mine into his new place. Sweet guy he is. Of course I agreed.

In the moving van he laughed and said “I assumed you were asleep because it was quite.”

I wanted to pretend I did not know what he was speaking of. I wanted to act like my thoughts are not as fucking loud as they are.

Who was I kidding? I knew for a damn fact he was not talking about the amount I spoke out loud, because that was none. I kept to myself in that apartment room. I never played music. Occasionally I spoke to my snake, Seshat, but never out loud.

He confirmed one of my fears…strangers can hear my thoughts

xoxox, the habitual thinker

Twin Flames: What Are They

Once a wise man in the Psychic Eye shop told one of my ‘twins’ we have more than one twin…

We were baffled! How could it be!? A twin flame is who we are meant to marry and have a family with!

Ha. Haha. We had been drinking the kool-aid.

Twin flames are soul mates. We have many, as we are connected to many people in the world and in other realms.

Sense8, the Netflix Original, is my number one reference leading me to understand this Truth.

It is sort of funny when I get hung up in devastating regret for not ‘being’ in a relationship with one of my twins. I come up with all these ideas to mentally hurt myself. Yes, I am addicted to pain.

It is a weird feeling when I broke free from the pain causers and had no one to fuel my fire…

I began looking for pieces of friends to be annoyed with. Shit, I even get mad at inanimate objects!!

I am working through it and this is a side tangent anyhow.

Twins, yes we are have them and we all have many. I truly believe a Twin is an energy we can easily connect to. I believe the power comes when we are consciously aware of who we are connecting to.

Warning: do not take my word as a reliable source. Take what fits and move on.

To be honest, my Truths change with passing moments, because, I connect to my Twins and hear their Truths. They are all relevant to me.

Weird how this all works.

xoxox, hey fam, your favorite voice is here
PS. The featured photo is painted by Shelby Pollock @ttwentytwooo

Dear Thoughts…

A stranger at Lightening In A Bottle hugged me and said, “I wish I could help you.”

I did not understand at the time. Help me from what? Help me find the clues? Help me answer my questions? Help me Love?

I believe he wished to help me out of the hell I exist in… the mental illness.

H O L Y S H I T      if only my fingers could type as fast as the thoughts that just went through my head. Scrambling.

What is my name and why THE FUCK can’t I help myself? Why is it a thought will trigger the writing of this post then disappear? Where did it go?

These thoughts… the ones that roam the collective consciousness… they are damn smart. They have come up with a justification to all insecurity. They invented seat belts for the … well fuck I am not going anywhere with that thought.

Really, no where. I refuse to follow them down the Yellow Brick Road; only to lead me to myself behind the curtain.

Want to hear the most irritating thought I have?

“Save it for your book so you can make money.”

FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MONEY

 

xoxox, the one who can’t be a hero

My Current Regret

Not kissing him when he grabbed my neck and pulled me in. I backed away… now I am left wondering what it would have felt like to touch his lips.

I was feeling this regret deeply today, until I had a conversation where the advice I was giving applied directly to my life. What was the advice?

Pretend as if he is with me. Talk to him as if he were here. Instead of ordering a medium coffee, order two smalls and give one to him (that I would drink after I pretend he has left), make a plate of food then put half of it on a second plate for him…

Yes, I am nuts. Take it or leave it.

When I think of him, I think of what I did not do. It hurts. My heart closes. I begin to sink.

This morning I thought it was because I had made a mistake; now I believe differently. I believe I AM with him. He thinks of me. He ‘pretends’ I am by his side. In Universal Law, that would mean that I am there.

There is still a fear whispering in my ear. One that is ashamed with how I acted. One that does not want to take responsibility. One that wants to continue hiding.

What if he does not like what I have to say? What if he does not agree with how I live? Do I love myself enough to be myself fully when he IS NOT EVEN HERE? (in physical form)

He is here and I am there. As we are all everywhere. One day… one day it will sync in.

 

xoxox, the long way to go