I Don’t Owe You Anything

I told you the day you offered your space;
My place was the couch.
No, no you insisted I slept on the spare bed;
Not to dread, you were emotionally detached too.
What that meant for me was not what it meant for you.
You see, for me, that meant safety.
It meant a place I could be. Just be. Simply.
Boundaries were set, yet, not clear enough.
My head, not sure enough, of myself.
Lo and behold, you stole my dream and painted in black.
Cast a safety net…
Over my head and now I cannot breath;
But I cannot see a better way out of here.
Your voices justify my terrible sense to deny you.
Terrible, they say, when all I want is to walk away.
Without giving you a damn thing;
Because I let down my walls,
Only to be ashamed.

xoxox, the fallen goddess

Illustration by Nikki Valencia aka SoulBunni

I Can’t Leave Vegas

Because of all of you who think about me on a daily basis. You pull me here; hundreds of magnets. When I try to leave, I end up right back.

One night, I climbed to the top of a mountain. I feel on my knees and cried. I asked, “what is keeping me here? Why can I not leave Las Vegas?”

I walked down the mountain, back to my apartment room where I checked my phone to see a few missed calls from my youngest sister. She was hurting and lost. She asked to come over and talk.

I received the message. I am here for her. I am here for all of my sisters. I am here for all of my family that came to Vegas and never made it out. I am here for the coming generations. I am here because of the friends I have made. I am here because of the lives I have touched. I am here.

I was at First Friday talking to a talented woman who has her doubts about who I am. I feel a profound connection to her. My heart throbs when she judges my actions without asking my intentions and she knows that. She is reminded every time she gets the chance to talk to me in person. She said, “I was happy to hear you came back. We are growing and this is a good place for you to be.”

I am here because of her and many others who did not like the ideal of me living in another city.

(Now I know I can’t tell y’all my travel plans… ahahahaha)

xoxox, Vegas Made and #vegasstrong